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HILARIOUS SATIRE: Actor Kevin Bacon Changing Last Name To Appease Muslims

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(NEW YORK) —“ ‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy…What’s in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet,” wrote Shakespeare in Romeo & Juliet. But apparently thy name is no longer so sweet for actor Kevin Bacon.

Bowing to pressure from various Muslim groups such as CAIR (Center for American–Islamic Relations), the iconic actor and musician has publically vowed to change his last name. The reason: although many Muslims, like most Americans, watch films featuring the seemingly omnipresent actor, his last name has become a source of “discomfort,” as it is a byproduct of pork, a strictly forbidden meat within the Islamic faith.

The star of Footloose, A Few Good Men, Mystic River and countless other films issued a press release Tuesday afetrnoon announcing he will be changing his last name “due to increasing demand from the Muslim community to be able to enjoy my films while not having to be reminded of the filthy, horrid meat so common among ‘infidels.’ ”

Although Bacon did not state what new name he would adopt to appease America’s Muslim community, the actor’s press statement Tuesday made it clear he would be formally changing his surname within the month.

Said the now Artist-Formally-Known-As Bacon in his statement:

“Although the Bacon family has held our name humbly and innocuously throughout generations, I had no idea it was causing members of our Muslim community discomfort and impeding their enjoyment of my films and music. It is with great apologies to CAIR and other representatives of the Islamic community that I hereby renounce my surname of ‘Bacon,’ since it is a source of revulsion to some of the Muslim community.…Had I known my name would be provoking the thought of such a cultural dietary taboo, I would have begun my acting career in 1978 under a different name. I extend my sincerest apologies to any members of the Muslim community who may have taken offense to my porcine name.”

-Kevin Soon-Not-To-Be Bacon

Bacon’s renouncement of his last name comes after several incidents across the nation in which strips of bacon have been left on the steps of Islamic mosques and at Staten Island’s New Drop Beach Park on August 20th, where hundreds of Muslims gathered to celebrate the end of the holy month of Ramadan, prompting police to “probe” the placement of the lifeless pork slices as a “hate crime.”


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