So your organisation has decided to boycott all products and services from Israel. Here is a list of activities that you now need to perform in order to comply with this boycott.
Part One – Technology and Food
First, remove all Intel Pentium and Celeron computer processor chips from personal computers (desktops, laptops and notebooks) as these were either developed or manufactured in Israel.
Note that the revolutionary new Ivy Bridge processor will be manufactured in Israel. Any computers running the Windows XT operating system must be turned off immediately as this was developed in Israel. All current Microsoft operating systems are not to be used as Microsoft is heavily reliant on its Israel R&D centre.
Step 2. Any computers that still work need to have their anti-virus software and personal firewalls removed as this technology originated in Israel. The organisation’s firewall will also need to be switched off. Staff should no longer open external emails as most of these will be infected with viruses. No outgoing emails can be sent. The algorithm (code) that’s used today for sending e-mails, was made by an Israeli who worked at the Ben-Gurion University in Be’er-Sheva in 1980.
Step 3. Discard all mobile phones, as this technology was developed in Israel, where the first mobile phones were manufactured. Mobile chip technology from a single Israeli company has now been installed in over 100 million devices. Only top-level staff may retain mobile phones for emergency situations. However the use of SMS (Texting) is expressly forbidden as this facility was developed in Israel. No 4G devices can be used, as the chipset is Israeli.
Step 4. Turn off your voice-mail service and delete any recorded messages. Israeli companies invented the voice-mail system. If someone you do not know answers your phone-call, then hang up. Israeli call-centres and call-centre technology is in widespread operation in the UK.
Step 5. Before accepting any printed material, check that the supplier has not used the Israeli device that might have saved up to 50% of the ink used.
Step 6. At home, do not use Facebook as many in-built and add-on applications are Israeli-developed. Do not watch videos on the Internet as the platform used to upload them may be from AOL and hence from an Israeli company. Do not use the Internet to search for answers to your questions as this may involve use of an Israeli-developed search engine. Better to remain unenlightened.
Step 7. On your TV or home entertainment centre, do not use Video On Demand (VOD) to watch movies as you may inadvertently see an advert displayed using Israeli software. Do not purchase any games devices as these are likely to use Israeli technology.
Step 8. Do not read books using an e-book as this may contain Israeli technology. Do not use data storage as it may have been developed at Israel”s storage technology R&D center.
Step 9. Do not buy an electric car as it is likely to be powered with an Israeli battery or use Israeli developed charging mats. Continue to sit in traffic knowing that you are polluting the environment and financing oil-rich despotic regimes.
Turning to food and drink, all food outlets on the organisation’s premises must dispose of cherry tomatoes, which were developed in Israel. Staff must ensure that no cherry tomatoes are included in sandwiches brought into office premises. The ban also applies to honey and any products derived from honey. Israel has developed solutions to the worldwide problem of bee-colony collapse, so that any products derived from bees might only be available now due to an Israeli invention.
Avoid drinking any of the world-recognised award-winning Israeli wines. Do not consume homemade drinks from Israeli-manufactured household drinks machines.
Avoid any fruit from South Africa or Peru as produce from these countries is being marketed with Israeli brand names.
No agricultural products from the following areas must be consumed as they use water irrigation and agricultural technology provided directly from Israel. This includes most of Africa, China, India, Indonesia (a Muslim country), Nepal and many others.
Much fruit and vegetables (including organic) imported into the UK has been enhanced using Israeli technology. This may save millions of people from starving around the world, but is not a good reason for you to eat it. To be safe, only eat fruit and vegetables that you have grown yourself using seeds that have been in your family for generations.
Part Two, dealing with the impact of this boycott on the health of staff, will be published next week. Meanwhile, do not take any medication!