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Mobsters Threaten ISIS: Don’t Make Us Get Out of Our Plastic Lawn Chairs


Giovanni Gambino, son of famed mobster John Gambino, has issued a warning to ISIS: Don’t mess with the US.

I spoke to Gambino as he slouched in a white plastic lawn chair in the driveway of his New Jersey home. Gambino elaborated on the statement between mouthfuls of his Aunt Linda’s gabagool and hot pepper sub. “All my kids know, when I’m in my chair, in the driveway, listening to old Mets games, do NOT bother me. But these assholes – look, if those clowns make me get out of my f***** lawn chair, they will regret it.”

When asked specifically how he would prevent a terrorist attack Gambino said, “Ashpet, come on sweetheart, don’t ask me about my business.” I reminded him that he was the one issuing a statement and he relented. “I’ll send Little Big Tony, Joey Mercedes and Spanish Steve over to their houses with a little message from the greater New York area.” Gambino then offered me a large plate of baked ziti and would not continue the meeting until I had eaten two full plates.

“Look, I haven’t gotten out of this lawn chair since the day I turned 40. It’s like one day I was a healthy young man and the next day all I wanted was sit here in this plastic chair,” Gambino mused. “Something about a plastic lawn chair calls to every aging Italian man – but I will get up out of this chair and I will hunt down any mope who threatens this great country.”

When asked if he would even be willing to miss his weekly bocce game at the Forum Club, Gambino showed resolve. “Angelo deSimone hosts a beautiful game every Sunday – Stinky Carlo brings a tray


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